Restaurants, Bars, and Cafes

Frankly, you don't really need to know much about Hamilton's Restaurants, Bars, and Cafes, other than that they exist. It has been suggested, however, that some attempt at a "food" section is customary in guides like these. So I'll do my best.

Hamilton seems to specialise in Indian, Turkish, and Pizza restaurants. In keeping with the "Europeanisation" of Hamilton's cuisine, a number of restaurants provide tables and meals on the sidewalks in the evening. This is pleasant indeed, in the summer, except for one thing: Hamilton's hoons have not been similarly Europeanised. They still drive their lousy Australian Holdens up and down Victoria Street pretending they have big engines (they sabotage their mufflers to give this impression) and demonstrating that third gear is more difficult to find then the accelerator.

Back in the old days, before cider could be bought over-the-counter, it didn't seem to make much difference where you went to drink - everything was much of a muchness. In those days, the Hillcrest Tavern (pictured) (colloquially known as "The Hilly") sold more beer than any bar in the country and the Irish pub was the height of sophistication (and therefore regarded with some suspicion by the typical kiwi bloke).

Fortunately, things have changed. There is a friendly police station next to the Hilly, but for some reason it is no longer a student Mecca. Also, you can buy real coffee, in real cups.

These days The Outback Inn (also known as "The Outcast", "The Throwback", and "The Creche") and the surrounding "South-end" bars attract most of the custom that would once have frequented the Hilly. You can go to places like the Metropolis Cafe to read magazines, order cappuccinos, chat about Noam Chomsky, and so on.

Just in case you're not sure which of these establishments is for you, we've prepared a set of simple guidelines.

You'll probably feel comfortable at the Outback if...

• you listen to "The Rock"
• you have a favourite beer
• it is illegal to sell you alcohol
• you don't know who Oscar Wilde was
• you've been aching to see that Leonardo Di Caprio picture, "The Last Supper"
• you wear more make-up than clothing
• you've bought clothing from "Barkers"
• you buy the "TV Guide"
• you empathise with a "Shortland Street" character
• you say "Shorters"
• you have "Sky Sport 2" but not "The Discovery Channel"
• you watch "Home and Away" instead of the news
• you still get emotional when "The Gambler" is played

You'll probably feel comfortable at the Metropolis Cafe if...

• you wear black
• you have a favourite style of architecture
• you know when the Renaissance was
• wine comes in bottles
• coffee comes in steamed milk
• you prefer futurism to cubism (or vice-versa)
• you have a BA
• you bring an absinthe spoon, "just in case"
• you are named after a plant
• all beer tastes the same to you
• you still bother to read "Metro"
• you watch films with subtitles
• you have several gay friends of the opposite sex

You'll probably feel comfortable at the Hilly if...

• you don't like crowds